Let's have a meeting...

Yesterday I had a meeting (a conference call to be exact) only I was the only person to turn up to this call.

"oh, it's been moved. did you not get the email?"

what do you think, you muppet? I got the email but blatently decided to ignore it and spend 10 minutes waiting for people to turn up when I already knew they wouldn't? Of course I didn't get the email.

So we have the meeting today instead.

"Daisy, did you complete your work"

- yes

"Did you follow your procedures"

- yes

"Did you update people if the procedures were not followed?"

- er, see answer to previous question. All procedures were followed.

"Did you produce all the documentation you were required to?"

-yes

"Is there anything else that you need to let the developers know?"

-no. If there was I would have documented it in the aforementioned documents.

"crikey, that's the quickest one of these sorts of meetings I've ever done"

- that's because the rest of us know what we're doing. Unlike you who can barely cut up your own food.

Well I'm glad we had that meeting. Half an hour of my life I'll never get back - thanks.

Alternatively we could sit about for a bit doing bugger all

This is how it works, I do my bit of work. I pass it to the next team. They build what I have designed. They test it. They pass it to the 'quality' team for testing. It gets released. someone installs it at a customer site.

only the process seems to have changed. It now appears to be... I do my bit of work. Every bugger else sits about moaning and doing sod all.

Can you spot the flaw in this new process?

I recently finished a piece of work and for the first week, nothing happened. Then the next team started to look at doing their part only it looks a bit tricky. Not all of it mind, only about 0.05% looks tricky but well, you can never be too careful.
So, lets all send lots of emails. Someone try and pluck up enough courage to ask Daisy to do an extremely tedious task. That someone receives a verbal smack round the ear. More emails, more manglement monkeys get involved. The more I find my self screaming down the phone "just get on with the sodding job". The more I hear "ah, well. it might be a bit tricky so we're not really sure" - Might be a bit tricky? Might? The sky might fall in on our heads any day now but that doesn't stop people like this existing and getting on my wick.

So, finally, the upshot of all this buggering about is that they are actually going to do the work they were supposed to in the first place. And if things get a bit tricky then they are going to ask for help.

Genius!

National halfwit day

was today, although the do seem to practice quite a lot so sometimes it's quite difficult to tell.

First we had: trying to do a lookup in a file that the developer has created himself only he's used id's that don't match his data. This is like saying I'm looking in this file for a row with id=1234, I've created this file myself only I didn't put a row in it with the id '1234'.
But rather than work this out (it should be bleedin obvious to anyone who has ever programmed anything or ever done a logic puzzle) they 'escalate' the issue up to the higher management monkeys who run around like headless chickens until someone asks me and I take on the role of Captain Obvious and point it out to everyone.

Personally I would feel a right muppet if someone pointed out that I'd made such a schoolboy error but no, these people are not embarrassed in the slightest.

Then we had "you've written 'do not remove any functionality' in this document and we're not happy about it, please change the wording". The reason it says 'do not remove any functionality' is because you halfwits keep tinkering with stuff and screwing it up. If it ain't broke don't fix it. And the sky is not about to fall in on our heads just because you don't like the way I have worded my document, it's my document I'll put in what I like thank you very much.

Then we had "you've given both these things the same name and they need to have different names" - oh no! sack me now. Turns out I'm human after all. Just rename one of them and GET ON WITH THE SODDING JOB.

Then we had "I got xxxx to count this for me". Well I guess it's too much to ask a management monkey to be able to count themselves, maybe that's what delegation is all about.

See - national halfwit day.